You pulled up right behind me on the highway. Suddenly out of no where you were there behind me. I was frozen. I wanted to see your face. I know you knew it was me. Just as fast as you appeared you were gone. I had no way to come after you. Were you as bothered about it as I am? Will I haunt you today as you will haunt me? Do I take this to mean anything?  If I have a baby, If I get married, If I move away…. Does any of this change? Am I running for nothing? Do I move forward in vain?

You’ve been on my mind a lot lately. (not that it’s anything new) I keep thinking about that camping trip we took with Randy. We took Stetson. It was such a good time. It seems like a strange memory to keep popping into my mind and I can’t help but wonder if it’s on your mind as well? I dreamt of you last night. You were much older and had a full head of grey hair. I still wanted you. Perhaps that was the meaning of the dream. Maybe I’ll always want you.

I’m so tired of your memory. I’m so exhausted mentally. When will you let me go?

So here I am again but a little different this time. I think about you every day but it’s bearable now. I had hoped the memories and the aching would be erased from my memory but it still remains. I wonder if you think about me? I feel like I can breathe again but have been afraid to come back here to you. I’m afraid just writing about you will bring it all back. The dreams have stopped. I no longer dream of trying to be with you and in my dreams you are no longer mean to me.

I miss you always but I can remember you now and love you and let you go. Everyday this is my mantra.

I’m headed to an apmt here shortly. The goal is to move on from you. I have to stop this obsession. I can’t stay here frozen in time thinking about you. You’re not coming back. You’ve made that quite clear in your lack of response to my many attempts to reach out.

I dreamt of you again last night. Maybe for the last time. I was 9months pregnant with your baby. It was dead and I was going to have to give birth to it. I’m sure that carries some meaning.

No one will ever love you like I did. I believe you know that.

I dreamt of you last night. It’s always a dream that pulls me back to you. The thoughts and the memories are always there. They never fade. It’s the pain that starts to dwindle. That hopeless feeling starts to let up to the point I feel I can go on. That’s when the dreams come back.

Its always the same theme. Me begging to know why. Me wanting you back. And then I wake up. This desperate need to have you back will linger for days. I wonder how I will ever get over you.

I looked at a house today. It’s just what we always wanted. 3bed 2bath ranch. Walkout basement. 3acres. Detached garage and another out building. Priced affordably. I’m thinking about buying it. I wish I had your input. I wish you were here.

Will it it always be this way?

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My brother says you have nothing to offer me and I have to move on. Please tell me how? I never wanted anything but you. I never cared how much money you made.

How do I forget you?

I think about you so much. I’ve never loved, hated, and missed someone so much. You just disappeared. Sometimes I think it would be easier if you had died. At least then I would know you couldn’t come back. How have you chosen to be gone? How have you so easily decided to never speak with me again? To never acknowledge my existence? How have you been so angry with me when all the while you were living with her? HOW? How did we get here??!?!?

When I think about my mom I think about you. It’s too much to bare. I miss her. You are the only one who truly understands what happened with her and how it has destroyed me. Will you come to her funeral? Would you come to mine?

Was anything we had ever real?

Today is overwhelming. I miss you.

I’ve been thinking a lot about posting. I’ve been avoiding it. Hoping these feelings would go away. I looked at a house for sale today. It was the type of place we always planned to have. 3acres, 3car garage, lots of living space. It needed updating. Something we could have done together.

Brother in law keeps asking about you. It hurts to talk about you. I think about you all day every day. I fight the urge to reach out. I know you would just ignore me anyway. I think about how I love you more. I question myself constantly. I’m trying to choose what is best for me… what is good for me. Does it matter that I love you more? It seems so unfair. Will it always feel this way?

How do I make my heart feel what my brain understands? You’re not coming back. It was never going to be the way we dreamed it would be, the way we planned it to be. I have days where I can almost convince myself that I can move forward and then I have days where it all comes crashing down and I feel like a big fake pretending to be ok when I really just need you.

I’m chasing a ghost. This ghost with your name and your face. It haunts me relentlessly. God how I miss you….