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My brother says you have nothing to offer me and I have to move on. Please tell me how? I never wanted anything but you. I never cared how much money you made.

How do I forget you?

I think about you so much. I’ve never loved, hated, and missed someone so much. You just disappeared. Sometimes I think it would be easier if you had died. At least then I would know you couldn’t come back. How have you chosen to be gone? How have you so easily decided to never speak with me again? To never acknowledge my existence? How have you been so angry with me when all the while you were living with her? HOW? How did we get here??!?!?

When I think about my mom I think about you. It’s too much to bare. I miss her. You are the only one who truly understands what happened with her and how it has destroyed me. Will you come to her funeral? Would you come to mine?

Was anything we had ever real?

Today is overwhelming. I miss you.

I’ve been thinking a lot about posting. I’ve been avoiding it. Hoping these feelings would go away. I looked at a house for sale today. It was the type of place we always planned to have. 3acres, 3car garage, lots of living space. It needed updating. Something we could have done together.

Brother in law keeps asking about you. It hurts to talk about you. I think about you all day every day. I fight the urge to reach out. I know you would just ignore me anyway. I think about how I love you more. I question myself constantly. I’m trying to choose what is best for me… what is good for me. Does it matter that I love you more? It seems so unfair. Will it always feel this way?

How do I make my heart feel what my brain understands? You’re not coming back. It was never going to be the way we dreamed it would be, the way we planned it to be. I have days where I can almost convince myself that I can move forward and then I have days where it all comes crashing down and I feel like a big fake pretending to be ok when I really just need you.

I’m chasing a ghost. This ghost with your name and your face. It haunts me relentlessly. God how I miss you….