I dreamed of you last night. You came back, we got married and didn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t believe we were being given another chance. I was worried you wouldn’t be faithful but I didn’t let it stop me. I woke up abruptly. It was 3am. It was only a dream. I can’t help but wonder if you ever think of me. I want to seek you out and find you. I resist. If someday it’s meant to be it will happen and if it’s meant to happy I pray our life paths bring us together at a time we are both free to be together. I think you were the only man I ever let lead. I hope you are happy and satisfied in your life.

I love you and I let you go.

The memories have been flooding in. I want to see you. I want to find a way. Why is this hold on me still there?! Find me. Find a way. Until then I’ll be waiting….

It’s still you. It’s always been you. The one I compare everyone to- the one that won’t let me go.

I had a dream last night I travelled with my family to another country. I believe it was some unknown island. You were supposed to be living there. I was alone and you walked by and saw me. I couldn’t breath as you came up to me and hugged me. I started to cry. You told me you would find me later so we could talk. I had so much to say. My husband walked in with my children and saw us and I woke up.

“I have died everyday waiting for you”

I miss you. I love you and I let you go.

Until we meet again ….

A friend told me this would all end at 10yrs. For a while I thought I was getting closer to tucking my feelings away. It’s like the song “This Town by Niall Horan” – Everything comes back to you….. It’s not that I’m not happy in my life because I am. It’s not even that I would leave this life if given the opportunity because I wouldn’t.

Every so often something happens that pulls me back in and escape seems impossible. It’s a text or a phone call to me from someone looking for you. It’s the running in circles you were once part of that I had no idea. I honestly don’t even know I want to escape. I miss the passion, the I can’t breath with out you obsessive love. If I’m honest there isn’t a day you evade some thought, some memory. The aching and longing comes and goes and sometimes with such fierceness it’s hard to think about anything else.

How do I feel this so strongly? Is there a mutual connection? Will I find you again later in life?

Until that day, I love you and I let you go…….

I’m still dreaming of you. Still missing you. Still loving you as much as always.

Last nights dream was different. It’s usually me trying to convince you to talk to me and give me a chance. Last night you were ready and I didn’t know what to do. Am I moving on to the next phase?

I only miss you when I’m breathing…

I’m having another baby. How lucky am I and to think I almost missed this chance. I still can’t help but think of you. I must be living in a dream world having idolized you in some way. I haven’t forgotten the bad stuff but it seems small in the grand scheme of it all. I’ve never experienced not being able to let go. It makes no sense that I could still feel how I do after so much time has passed?

What is the purpose? I don’t want to feel like this anymore.