By now I have come to realize you aren’t going to talk to me again. It’s really hard to accept. I dreamed you sent me a letter in response to my email and I woke up as I was about to read it. I wish I could understand you. So this is it. This is all I have left of our connection. It’s always going to be there. I’m always going to love you. I wish we could’ve had more. I wish you could’ve been different, less selfish. I guess that’s my perception therefore my reality.

I dreamed about you last night. I was traveling out of state. I was at a restaurant and thinking to myself I need to stop seeing signs that you and I should get back together. Then suddenly I heard your voice behind me. You were in the booth behind mine and you were talking with Heather. I came out of the booth and she said to me, you two will always be good friends and the two of you walked off together. You showed up at my house some time later and we sat on the couch talking about being together again.

My brain won’t shut off about you. I don’t know what to do about it. Do you ever think of me?

Was any of it ever real?

You are such a liar. 6months you’ve not been living in that house! The whole time you were talking to me you were living with a woman. I don’t care. I didn’t care that you were seeing someone else. We weren’t sleeping together and hadn’t made any commitment. What I do care about it YOU acted as if I fucked with your head! You told all your friends and my friends and family that I was jerking you around when the reality is you were doing it the whole time. I was the only one being up front and honest. Still after I find out this bullshit I miss you and the ache remains.

The sadness is overwhelming. How fucked up are you that you could be so convincing? Why lay in to me so hard for something you were doing? That’s always been your story though. If you really want to be honest with yourself, you have always played the victim and you have always blamed others for exactly what you were doing yourself.

You always accused me (or treated me in such a way) as though I was cheating or going to cheat. In the end it was always you who was the cheater. And now your latest move, accusing me of fucking w/your head and playing both sides when in reality it was always you. I wish I could fix you. I wish I could make you see it. You have so much to offer but you have to get your shit together. No woman can be responsible for your happiness. It doesn’t work that way. How many will you go through before you figure that out? I want to shake you and make you see the truth. Why won’t you talk to me? I feel as if you’ve died.

Despite all the bullshit in our relationship, I do believe you love me. I believe you love me more and have connected with me more than any one ever before. In all likelihood you will never experience the same level as what we had again. I believe the same for myself. We had something special, something coveted, something that should have kept us together. It’s with this knowledge I am stuck. Both desperate to love you and hate you so passionately… so completely.

I wish it could be different. I wish we were together. I love you every day.

I keep thinking about the movie…. About you. I’m so sad. I feel empty.

I was telling a friend that I don’t understand how when it first ended I was ok but now I’m definitely not ok  and I just don’t get it. She said I should trust myself in that I made the decision to end our relationship so I need to trust myself that at the time I knew what was best for me. It sounds good but it doesn’t help w the ache I have inside. It hurts so much. I can’t believe you can just walk away and forget me.

I wish you would come and get me. Come back. Tell me we’re going to make this work.

My brother says I have to forget about you and move on. How can I do that? There’s no room in my heart. There is only you.

It’s in the quiet moments of my day I feel like I can’t go on without you. I should stop you from leaving at all costs. You should be here with me. That’s how our lives were supposed to go. I don’t know how we got here. I imagine every scenario. What I would say… How I would convince you….

You have accepted defeat. How can I change your mind? How can you forget me so easily? How do I stop obsessing? How do I accept you don’t want me anymore?

I love you everyday. I wish that we could talk.

I’m still reeling from the news. I can’t believe you’re leaving. The ache in my soul is indescribable. How will I get through this? How can you leave?  Why can’t it be different?

I just found out you are planning to leave the state. I am devastated. I feel so hopeless. I don’t know what to do. You ignored my message and my call last week. I struggle with feelings of wanting you to pick me up and tell me were going to be together and that’s the end of it. I long to be with you. I obsess nonstop about you but I always remember I can’t trust you.

WHY? Tell me why it has to be this way? No loss has ever hurt this much. How can I forget you when all I do is think about you? I dwell in this space. Come and get me and I will be yours.

It was a tough weekend for me. I wanted to reach out to you and it took all the strength I had to resist. I don’t understand why I can’t move on. I deserve someone I can trust. I deserve someone who will be faithful and positive. I know in my head you can not give me this. My heart wants that from you.

How did we get here? How do I move out of this place where I am stuck? What would you think if you knew of my blog? Are you happy with her?  Call him – don’t call him. Txt him – don’t txt him. This is the constant battle in my head. It’s relentless.

I feel like I can choose to be strong and have a possibility of a family some day or I can be weak and risk it all with you repeating the cycle that we have over and over again wishing for a different result.

Why does it have to be this way? Why can’t you love yourself enough in that I could be enough for you also?