I lost my 3rd pregnancy last week. I was 11weeks and 4 days pregnant. I thought everything was fine. I thought I was going in for bloodwork so I made the appointment alone. Dr wanted to listen to the heartbeat…… the heartbeat that was there 5 weeks earlier that ceased to be there that day. I was alone. I was given no options but to schedule a DNC for the following day – a procedure no different than an abortion. Besides the ride to the appt again, I suffered this alone.

I am ashamed. I am guilty. I am full of grief that no one sees or understands. My feelings aren’t all logical or reasonable. I reconciled the loss of you with the plan of a child – something you could never give me. Now it feels as if it was all for nothing. My life’s purpose wasted, dead.

I dreamed of you again. You came to my house, my family was out back. You laughed and talked with everyone but me. I followed you through the house to the garage asking why you wouldn’t talk to me. You had a pained expression on your face and you wouldn’t look at me. You said you just came to pickup your rakes. I asked you why you left? Why did you never come back for me? Why wouldn’t you talk to me? I said you weren’t there for rakes and that you came to see me. I asked if you saw my blog and you admitted you had. I couldn’t understand how you could read my pain and never reach out to me. You had driven over in an RV. You kept looking at the RV as if you were waiting for her to come out yelling at you for talking with me. You were torn.

Are you still there? Are we connected? Do you feel my pain?