Words can’t describe the endless thoughts I have about you, about us, about the good times, the bad times and all the stuff in between. I go over it in my head to the point I’m making myself crazy. I want nothing more than to tell you lets forget about the past and move forward and then I am reminded how you played the victim and acted as if I was acting in a deviant manner when all the while you were. This is the one fact that keeps me from coming back to you. What I don’t understand is why? If only I could stop asking that question. At the end of the day does it even matter why? The reality is I was honest and I was forthcoming regardless if I thought it would hurt you. You chose to lie to me, to yourself, to everyone you know. I can’t make you honest. I can’t wish your faults away. It’s because you refuse to be honest with me that I can never feel safe to move forward with you. It’s with this knowledge I can only be true to myself and know that I could never trust you.

So I hear I sit feeling stuck. Caught in this tormenting “in-between” of so desperately wanting you and knowing it can never be. The details seem so irrelevant because the obsessing in my mind always ends with “but I love him”.