I saw you walking outside in a park like setting. You were on the other side of a short wood fence. I called to you and you turned to me. I asked you if we could talk and you didn’t want to. You called to Heather, and introduced your wife. I hugged you and told you I wished you every happiness no matter what that looked like. So I send you love, and hope that you have found happiness.

I found out I was pregnant last week. I was so happy. I thought, finally something you could never give me, something I always wanted. I had one week of excitement. One week of thinking this was how I move on but it wasn’t meant to be – at least not this time. I miscarried 1 week after learning I was pregnant. I still can’t believe it. The devastation, the loneliness, the embarrassment, the shame is too much to bare.

There will be another pregnancy down the road I’m sure. For now all I can do it breathe.

Some days are easier than others but always I think of you. I know you are wrong for me. I deserve a faithful partner. I deserve peace and kindness and to be loved for who I am. Still I long for you and the good times. I miss the kids. I wish this would pass.

I guess I wanted to believe everything you told me. I had convinced myself that somehow I was in the wrong and I felt responsible. As it turns out I wasn’t. How could I have been? All the while you were courting me, telling me you only wanted me -you were planning life with her/living w her.  You lied when you said she was stalking you and that she was a drunk. You must have lied about the bad sex the bad blow jobs and the bad body in her bathing suit. I wanted so much to believe you back then but little flags kept popping up nawing at me. I wanted you. I wanted us together – happy like you promised. It was all a fantasy.

All these months I’ve mourned for you. I’ve kept my life on hold wishing you would come back. I’ve day dreamed about it. I’d refused to admit it’s over. I’d convinced myself we would be together again someday. For what?

All this torture. All this sadness for a man that got engaged 6months after begging to be with me.

I really wanted to believe you were with her because you needed a place to stay. Your finances were a mess and you needed her temporarily and she was convenient.  Well you don’t fucking marry the woman youre just getting by with.

It feels like you never loved me.

I really thought you would see this blog someday and know how much you mean to me. I hate you for what you’ve done to me. She’s a stupid woman and you’re a dishonest man.

Love does not come and go so easily as the wind.

I’ve been crying off an on all day today. I went out with friends I hadn’t seen in a while a few days ago and they asked about you. Said they heard you were moving and getting married. I just can’t believe it. I’m not over you. I miss you always. How is this possible? It makes me wonder “are we supposed to be together”? Is this why I can’t get over you?

You lie, you cheat, your angry all the time, you need to be the center of attention, and I was never going to be enough for you yet still I can’t let go. How is it possible after almost a year of no contact I’m still crying over you? This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Did you even love me at all? I’m falling apart and I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can’t go on like this.

somedays are so hard. All I want to do is reach out to you. I feel like such a fake. I go through life like everything’s ok. No one knows how much I think about you.

I keep hoping if I keep moving forward I’ll eventually let you go. It’s not that I don’t love the man I’m with because I do. It’s just not the same. It’s not as good but then it’s also not as bad and maybe that’s how things are supposed to be.

miss you always

I dreamed of you again. I only remember seeing you with her and having to accept that you were happy and had moved on with her. Somehow it was thrown in my face and inescapable.

It’s hard this time of year. I remember all the good times. I’m moving forward without you, there’s no doubt about that in how I’m living. I’m sure the same could be said about you. I’m still stuck. Moving forward in how I’m living isn’t helping with my heart and being stuck in the past with you. I miss you so much. I tell myself it’s ok to miss you. When I think of you I tell myself it’s ok to love you, but I have to love you and let you go. Do you even think of me? Is this normal? We haven’t spoken in almost a year and it still hurts so much.

I finally did it this evening. I watched P.S I Love You for the first time since that night you and I watched it. Some things never change. It was just as devastating to watch this time only you weren’t here to hold me, to laugh at me, to love me.

P.S. I love you

I had a dream you were dying. You were terminal, living in a nursing home. I tried to get you to come live with me but you refused. I asked you about Silas. I begged you to get him back to me and you agreed, saying your girlfriend was overwhelmed with taking care of him. You acted relieved to be done with the battle of choosing between her and I, almost happy with your choice to choose neither of us.

Dreamed of you again last night. I was getting a tattoo that reminded me of you. It was the Forest Gump Feather and next to it txt that read “In the E.N.D. we’re all just chalk lines on the pavement – drawn only to be washed away”. And there you were, getting a tattoo about me. Yours was txt also. I bunch of sayings I think. I only remember it started with “Love”.

Holidays are hard but who am I kidding, all days are hard. I’m moving forward every day but I feel very much stuck in the past. I send you my love.