I miss the good times. I drove down M today and thought of when I lived over there and things between you and I just started. I think about sitting on the screened in porch with you. One memory leads to another and it’s always the good ones. I don’t think about the bad times. I try to remind myself of that when I can’t stop the memories and the pain that still exists. I wish things could have been different. I told my son today, that’s where I used to live when I was dating the love of my life. He said you’re not married to the love of your life and I replied no. It doesn’t always work out that way. You don’t always end up with the love of your life. Maybe someday our paths will cross again. Until then…… I love you and I let you go…..

I dreamed you left her and showed up at my door. You asked me to choose. I chose you.

If we locked eyes would your heart stop? How long until you could catch your breath? Would you feel it the way I would?

Baby is here. He’s perfect in every way. My life has changed so much. I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if you were his daddy. I had hoped his birth would help me move on from thoughts of you but nothing has changed.

I moved… sold my childhood home – the home that we redid and created together. The walls that surround me no longer make me think of you and maybe it will just take more time for me to be free of this memory filled prison you have kept me in. This home is everything we talked about moving to. You would love it here.

I love you and I let you go.

I’m 9 months pregnant. I am up to pee every hour and your haunting of my dreams all night was unrelenting. You would choose her over and over yet you wouldn’t leave me alone. You were torturing me. My tears and my pain had no effect on you. I would wake up crying only to go back to sleep and dream more. I can only home my baby coming will someday soon put this torture to an end. It hurts me and it’s effects are lasting. Why do you keep coming for me?

So another camping weekend goes by without you. I had to drive to town on my own. You would have been proud I found my way. It was my first trip to Buckeits and it’s just not the same without you. We had to get a new burn barrel. Ours had rusted out. Mike doesn’t come and honestly I’m ok with it because I feel like that was our place. I don’t want to replace our memories out there. I caught 2 fish. I told the kids I learned from the best. I wish we had tried harder.

I’m 7.5months pregnant now. I try to think about that when I’m missing you. It’s something you couldn’t give me.

Do you think of me when you see a jelly donut?

“Since she could not have the heroin of being with him her unconscious mind chose the methadone of her memories with him.”

I don’t want to let you go but you’re hurting me.

Two nights ago I dreamed the dream that ended with you coming back to me. We were walking holding hands down the street and you were telling me how you were running a construction business in TX and it wasn’t going well. You wanted to come home. I told you I was pregnant and that I was sorry. I wanted it to be yours. You told me you didn’t care…..you would be uncle to the baby and I told you he would have 2 dads. I was so happy you were coming home, that you missed me and all this time that had passed and all these feelings I’ve carried weren’t for nothing. and then I woke up.

Upon waking I remember reflecting thinking I don’t recall a dream where you were coming back. Finally a dream where I actually got what I wanted from you.

Last night was different. I dreamed of you and the kids and a bunch of other people riding some kind of hay ride down the road I happened to be walking. The kids jumped off and ran to me, hugging me, telling me they missed me. I asked O to find me on facebook so we could stay in touch. You were with your wife on the ride and you said to the kids you were glad they got to say hi to me and that you were happy with your life now and thankful to me for that.

I was telling you how hard life has been without you, how I have missed you so and that I’ll never let go. You were telling me you knew exactly how I feel and that you feel the same but you wouldn’t come back. I tried to get you to explain why. I told you I would do anything but it didn’t matter. Then I saw you having sex w her. You had that connection with her that you and I had. I just don’t believe it’s that good. I don’t believe you have the connection with her that we had. I woke up sobbing and my day was spent thinking of you and aching for you with such sadness. When will it ever go away?