So I’m here….without you wishing you were here. I struggle w not reaching out. I want to tell you to drop what you’re doing and get here.

I can’t escape these feelings. When does it end? When do I get to move on?

Are you thinking of me?

It’s raining and maybe that’s part of my sadness. I’ve been giving thanks to the universe for all the blessings in my life. I want to feel better.

This weekend is coming and I’m missing you. It won’t be the same without you. I wish things were different.

I miss being known. I miss having that person beside me that knows all my past – my pain.

No one knows me but you. Do you feel alone too?

Do you think of me at all? Do you obsess about me the way I do you?? I feel so stuck and there’s nothing I can do about it. I just want to forget.

People keep coming by looking for you. Important mail is continuing to come to the house. You’re obviously having financial issues. I’m making myself crazy. I want to reach out to you but I know you don’t want to hear from me. I also know contacting you just hurts us both more.

Every where I go I am reminded of you. I wonder when it will stop? It makes me wonder if there’s a reason I can’t let go and move on? Am I not supposed to?

I see her profile picture has changed to one of you. It makes me angry. I wish I could forget about it all. I so wanted us to be honest with each other. I knew you were playing both sides but I didn’t care. I loved you enough to let it go and move forward. You couldn’t give me the same respect. I see you as a lost soul looking for love to fill the emptiness within you. It doesn’t work that way. You will forever be searching because what you need can’t be found in another person. I want to make you see that but I know that I can’t. I thought if I loved you enough and just tried hard enough that we could make it… that I could have control over it. I was wrong.

Today I’m remembering the diner and all the breakfasts we had. I can’t help but think we took for granted those times. It was the little things in life we didn’t appreciate that I miss so much when they cross my mind.

I keeping thinking about how this summer will be spent without you and I’m sad. I don’t know how to move forward without you.

Today I am angry. Many Times you spoke of your “physical reactions” and that you woke up crying often dreaming of me. What bullshit you fed me. How I welcomed your heaping spoon of bullshit over and over and each time I swallowed with regret asking for more.

Still I suffer endlessly. The bullshit long gone while the memories live on to torment me.

I hate you. I love you. I miss you.

I bought you a gift 2 weeks ago. Something you collect. I couldn’t resist at the time and now I hold on to it struggling with what to do with it.

Today at I met someone who asked about you. All the pain comes flooding back. I miss you. I miss the dream. When does it get easier?

Words can’t describe the endless thoughts I have about you, about us, about the good times, the bad times and all the stuff in between. I go over it in my head to the point I’m making myself crazy. I want nothing more than to tell you lets forget about the past and move forward and then I am reminded how you played the victim and acted as if I was acting in a deviant manner when all the while you were. This is the one fact that keeps me from coming back to you. What I don’t understand is why? If only I could stop asking that question. At the end of the day does it even matter why? The reality is I was honest and I was forthcoming regardless if I thought it would hurt you. You chose to lie to me, to yourself, to everyone you know. I can’t make you honest. I can’t wish your faults away. It’s because you refuse to be honest with me that I can never feel safe to move forward with you. It’s with this knowledge I can only be true to myself and know that I could never trust you.

So I hear I sit feeling stuck. Caught in this tormenting “in-between” of so desperately wanting you and knowing it can never be. The details seem so irrelevant because the obsessing in my mind always ends with “but I love him”.

I can’t make it stop. It’s so hard to be without you. What the fuck is wrong with me? When does is get better? When does the hurting stop and the memories fade?