Days pass by. Life goes on. Still you haunt me.

It’s been 2yrs………IT’S BEEN 2 FUCKING YEARS!

I dreamed of you again. You were being brain washed by the JW’s and I was trying  to save you. They were doing horrible things to you – drugging you, following you, chasing you down to bring you back to them. You were so confused and I kept having to bring you back to reality. I was so devastated when I woke up.

I painted her room yesterday. It was hard. I’m planning to move from here. I’m surrounded by memories of you and I need to escape from it all.

I love you and I let you go.

Had another dream about you last night. You were broke and didn’t have the money to pay your restaurant bill. I didn’t care. I never loved you for money. It doesn’t seem to get any better. I wonder if it will always be this way. Am I always going to miss you so much? Will we meet again down the road? Is this why I can’t let you go? I received a facebook memory that I left for myself 1 yr ago. “He was never going to be the man you needed him to be, and nothing you could do was going to change that.” I so wanted it to be different. Perhaps one day it will be.

Until that day, I love you and I let you go.

I spent the whole night dreaming of you. I couldn’t make it stop. Why do you haunt me so?

I just heard my brother is still in contact with you. I wonder if this is actually true? If it is true I don’t see why you want that. Are you still thinking about me?

I woke up to a dream about you with such sorrow. I was trying to get a new cell phone and apparently I was still on your plan and the sprint lady wouldn’t help me because I wasn’t authorized on your account. Then suddenly I was having lunch out with someone we both knew in TX. I was inquiring about you and found out that you had started a construction business out there and it was doing well. I was telling the man I was with how I still miss you every day. He was trying to tell me you were great and happy and successful, and then he said to me “he loved you”. It was something to the effect of I need to leave you alone but the words “he loved you” were so loud and so profound and this is where I lost it. I remember my brain was trying to figure out a way to get him to lead me to you. I was desperate. I was crying and he was like “are you sure you want to order dessert?”.

and then I woke up. Tears in my eyes, choking back the sobbing and I’m left with this hole, this emptiness, this aching and no way to make it stop.

Where are you? Why haven’t you come for me? If you don’t feel the same then why am I so unable to move on? Something keeps pulling me back. Am I just crazy? Is there really no connection between us?

I love you and I let you go.

Do you see the memories like I do? Do they hurt you too? Had a dream the other day you came back to me. You confessed you had been seeing her while we were together for years…. I was torn because I wanted you back so bad but how could I get past that and ever trust you, and then I woke up. I wish it would stop. I want to be happy in my life without you.

I love you and I let you go.

Ran into your parents. They acted like they didn’t recognize me so I let them pass by without any acknowledgement. Mom has dogs now but you probably already knew that… or maybe you didn’t. I guess it’s hard to know if you have stayed in contact with them. I think I was relieved they didn’t try to talk with me. It was just one more thing in my life that pulls me back to you. I try to focus on being thankful for what I have. I wish I knew how you are.

Yesterday I thought I saw your shadow running round
It’s funny how things never change in this old town
So far from the stars

And I want to tell you everything
The words I never got to say the first time around
And I remember everything
From when we were the children playing in this fairground
Wish I was there with you now

If the whole world was watching I’d still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you

I saw that you moved on with someone new
In the pub that we met he’s got his arms around you
It’s so hard
So hard

And I want to tell you everything
The words I never got to say the first time around
And I remember everything
From when we were the children playing in this fairground
Wish I was there with you now

As if the whole world was watching I’d still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
You still make me nervous when you walk in the room
Them butterflies they come alive when I’m next to you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you

And I know that it’s wrong
That I can’t move on
But there’s something about you

If the whole world was watching I’d still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you

Lucky me, it wasn’t a miscarriage, just a tubal pregnancy. I got to take a chemo shot in the ass that helped it flush itself out with out requiring surgery. Talk about devastating. Can’t help but wonder if it’s just not meant to be.

Saw an article about a man who built his dream home over his pond so he could fish from a hole in his living room floor. I thought of you. We could’ve done that. We could’ve done a lot of things.

I wonder how you are? If you ever think of me…. Some days are harder than others. Not a day goes by I don’t think of you. Sometimes I hate you and sometimes I miss you so much I can’t breathe.

My life is good mostly. It’s boring but dependable. Maybe a baby will eventually work out, maybe it won’t. I’m not ready to give up yet.

I love you and I let you go.